i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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