I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
