then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
