The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
