Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
