Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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