Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
