my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
