So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He shit in the fireplace
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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