this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
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Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.