Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
