The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
