i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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