Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
