I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
