Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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