you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
