Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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