it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
