As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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