New invention idea: vibrating tampons
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
