She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
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I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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