I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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