maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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