she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
