how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just invented taco cereal.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
