Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
