Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
