This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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