I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
