she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
