I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
