Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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