I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
