He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
