my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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