if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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