Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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