watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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