I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I could make wine with my vomit
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She has the best kind of daddy issues
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
