Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
