When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
