Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
