How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
