Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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