the condom got lost in my hair
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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