just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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