I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
