i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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