i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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