She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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