just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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