Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Drake has all the answers
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
