I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
